Uselss Brat

I was thinking whether to write about this here on my blog because it's nothing about anything interesting in particular to anyone. Though this particular nothing matter is something that keeps me thinking over and over again and I thought maybe it was easier if I was just a computer to have typed the words "Forget it!" or "Stop! You're insane!" then click save and then I'll just forget it. Like a delete function in the brain.

Well, here's the thing. Again, the truth hit me right through my heart making me feel so upset.

I always thought that being a deputy of the kids' ministry will be an easy task. Yes, it is easy but there are certain things that get in the way.

1. I don't know what I'm doing because they don't tell me to do anything but to keep the kids quiet and behave.

2. I can't do anything because I have no authority whatsoever and making decisions about what the kids do is not my duty (and I'm not the kind that act out things that I'm not comfortable with or am sure of except if I was really in charge).

3. There are more things that get in my way and upset me that I can't do anything about.

And because of these things? I feel useless and I feel guilty about it because I can't blend in with the adults who take control of the ministry. I feel like "one of the kids" who I'm not because I'm of age! I'm 20 turning 21 this year!

I have been feeling guilty about being useless and it was confirmed by a kid. Of course, he didn't mean it that way but because I'm guilty of it. I took it seriously because it hurt my feelings (and my pride).

They were planning for a dance performance for the anniversary of our organization and they asked me to give some dance steps. I do have dance steps in mind because I have been in a dance troupe once but it was a long time ago but the fact is, they're kids... there are new steps which they're into right now and I'm not sure if they'll like whatI will suggest so I said I have no idea what to do.

And he said "Then what are you here for?".

That hit me right through so I walked out of the room and pretended to want to continue reading even if the truth was I couldn't concentrate on the words of what I read because what he said kept rewinding on my mind until now. :(