A Risk to Take

There are many chances that people take for granted and most of the time; they focus on something or someone too much that everything around them is blurred out of their sight. Sometimes, it’s very hard to understand but in many situations, it’s because of the deals they make… promises and oaths and take chances with them. Some reach triumph out of what they did but some end up hurt because they expected too much and too long for something they took a risk from but still they feel fulfilled because they did it.

Why am I typing this? What is my point? Good question.

It’s because this time, I’m starting to risk something for someone I love. I made a deal with myself that I’ll go away and re-assess my life to be ready for him one day… the one dearest to my heart. It’s not a very good deal because I may only end up hurt when I find out that later, he’ll be happy with someone else but it’s a part of the deal. I need to start looking for myself as early as now.

Well, I’m still not sure if I do love him or if I do, if how much I love him. All I’m sure about is that he gave me little bits of advices and he’s striving hard as well as giving me the inspiration to live my life. To revive it. I thank him for that even though he doesn’t know it.

He’s a very good friend to me. I grew very fond of him but I think I’m going too far with my closeness with him that’s why I need to go away for the meantime. As I said, to get ready if ever someday we’ll be able to see each other again or if we’ll still be friends or have communication after I leave. I’m not sure if he won’t forget me and our friendship right now but I’m hoping deeply here within my heart that he will. I hope he also feels the same way.

I told him, I’ll be going away soon.

“Go then. Goodbye,” he said but he didn’t look back at me and I didn’t know if he meant it or if he was upset about it.

I don’t know if I am able to go back here in this place where we met after I fly back to our home country but I hope that when we see each other again, he’ll still be the same and we’ll still have fun together.

At his young age, I admire him for trying to be mature when he’s with me. And he doesn’t even need to try acting mature because he does his part well.

I will certainly miss the way we play around like little kids. The way we miss each other and talk about each other often when one of us isn’t around. The way I care for him. The way he appreciates everything I do without sarcasm or hypocrisy. The way he played the piano while I listened intently while my heart was melting with warmth whenever he was with me and sadness because soon I won’t be able to listen to him play again because I’ll be leaving. The way he laughs, tells jokes and sings… I will miss his voice. The way his gazes bore straight into my eyes and the way he watches my lips when I talk. I will miss a lot more things.

I’ve made up my decision and the deal.

I don’t need any promises from him because I already made one for us. I don’t know if he does care if I try to reorganize my life because of him but in the end, I know I’ll be gaining a lot from this.

For me in the past, Promises are meant to be broken but now it’s different. I trust this promise for many reasons and one reason is him. Thanks for the inspiration and memories and the memories that I hope we’ll still have in the future.

*Just another little bit of literary work from SiNgUrL.

Slacking

I haven't been able to finish the TNBBC Summer Challenge 2009 - my first reading challenge online. It was because I was torn up between reading, writing and everything I did in between. I didn't even make it to 250 points but I want to try again.

And these past two weeks, I haven't been able to write the remaining few chapters of my stories True Soulmate and Playing Pretend Book2. All these activities are in Goodreads.

I haven't even finished reading The Pillars of the Earth by Ken Follet but I'm glad that there are only a little more than a few pages left in the last chapters and I'll be able to read Gideon and a novel by Amanda Quick soon.

I have been slacking, I know. But I did so many things, which are more important like having fun with playing with the kids (NOT MY CHILDREN, OF COURSE) etc. Anyway, I still have lots more time to read and write.

Well, what can I say, everybody has a life, right? :-b

Uselss Brat

I was thinking whether to write about this here on my blog because it's nothing about anything interesting in particular to anyone. Though this particular nothing matter is something that keeps me thinking over and over again and I thought maybe it was easier if I was just a computer to have typed the words "Forget it!" or "Stop! You're insane!" then click save and then I'll just forget it. Like a delete function in the brain.

Well, here's the thing. Again, the truth hit me right through my heart making me feel so upset.

I always thought that being a deputy of the kids' ministry will be an easy task. Yes, it is easy but there are certain things that get in the way.

1. I don't know what I'm doing because they don't tell me to do anything but to keep the kids quiet and behave.

2. I can't do anything because I have no authority whatsoever and making decisions about what the kids do is not my duty (and I'm not the kind that act out things that I'm not comfortable with or am sure of except if I was really in charge).

3. There are more things that get in my way and upset me that I can't do anything about.

And because of these things? I feel useless and I feel guilty about it because I can't blend in with the adults who take control of the ministry. I feel like "one of the kids" who I'm not because I'm of age! I'm 20 turning 21 this year!

I have been feeling guilty about being useless and it was confirmed by a kid. Of course, he didn't mean it that way but because I'm guilty of it. I took it seriously because it hurt my feelings (and my pride).

They were planning for a dance performance for the anniversary of our organization and they asked me to give some dance steps. I do have dance steps in mind because I have been in a dance troupe once but it was a long time ago but the fact is, they're kids... there are new steps which they're into right now and I'm not sure if they'll like whatI will suggest so I said I have no idea what to do.

And he said "Then what are you here for?".

That hit me right through so I walked out of the room and pretended to want to continue reading even if the truth was I couldn't concentrate on the words of what I read because what he said kept rewinding on my mind until now. :(

Me and My sister

Me and my loving sister.

At The Beach

I could also feel the sun's warmth bathing the people present here in the beach with smiles and enjoyment Different kinds of people all equal under the heat and the clouds.

Fresh ocean breeze brushing my skin and filling my lungs with healthy air and refreshment.

Down at the beach, everything is quite peaceful.

I was jealous of them bathing under the sun that day of Friday (Aug. 8, '09). I also wanted to have a swim but unfortunately, I was weak and dizzy that day. I couldn't bear the heavy wetness of the clothes that could've been soaked when I had a swim so I preferred now to go down there and enjoy the water because I knew I would feel beat after having a bit fun. And I knew I wouldn't last long when I took a dip.

I ended up enjoying the warmth from the sun, the cool breeze and watching a sketching a bit while having Lays potato chips as snack.

My Art Journal

This is my attempt of an art journal about little women. I've written all the parts I liked and drew pictures connected witht them and I ended up with this.

I got this idea from Bunko blog - Quinceberry! Cool bloggers! You rock lol!

This was drawn and finsihed last Thursday but I only got it posted now because of some things that happened.

I haven't been in the net for many days and missed so many things but I got time to read and finish "Little Women" by Louisa May Alcott and "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" by Steig Larsson. Great novels! I didn't know that The Girl with the Dragon Tatto was a sequel.

Anyway, right now. I'm reading "The Lost Years of Jesus" by Mary Clare Prophet and "The Pillars of the Earth" by Ken Follet.